“Stop that!” Addaline snapped.
“Stop what?” Phinehas queried.
“Doing that thing with your face when you’re happy – it’s making me nauseous,” Addaline replied with a roll of her eyes.
Phinehas looked at Addaline with a questioning glare “you didn’t hear the NEWS?!”
“What news?!?!” Addaline asked through clenched teeth.
“The news that your mom just died.” Phinehas replied.
“Wait what? My mom died? How? I never had a Mom, Phin, I was raised by the foster care system dufus.”
“Your mom was recently found in London. So, I am telling you now…” Phin replied.
“Tellin’ me what?”
“I’m telling you that your mom ain’t dead.” Phinehas replied.
“Phew you got me there.”
“I hope that im not too late to go back I n time. Maybe if I go back in time I can stop her from marrying that idiot Kramer Floyd. He’s an absolute troll.” Phin scoffed and took a swig of his ginger pop soda
“Um, have you never read “Time Machine? It ain’t gonna work man. You’d be messing with the timey-wimey…space time…continuum…thing.” Addaline muttered.
‘’YOU don’t understand me!’’ Phinehas replied ‘’You don’t understand my life!’’
Oh dear my heavens above and demons below, Addaline thought. Goodness gracious! These people do NOT have the talent of understanding me! “Phin, sometimes I don’t want to understand your life…I mean, ever given a thought to how my life is? I…I… I don’t even know. Just, drop the whole mom thing.”
“Wuh-Why?” Addaline asked.
“Because your mom is alive and well and wants to take you to coffee.”
“She left me to go into foster care and now wants to reconcile over a nice bible study and tea? What kind of sick…”
“She’s your mother, Addaline,” Phin said. “And also…time machine. I didn’t use it for nothing.”
“You didn’t use it at all Phin, that’s the point” Addaline retorted.
“No, I used it once, to buy chick fil a . Because Chipotle! CHIPOTLE IS MY LIFEEE! Oh, and obviously someone has to have their priorities straight.” Phin stated with a smirk.
“Well that sucks for you, doesn’t it? Having a friend with bad priorities,” Addaline mumbled.
“Yeah, Its not that nice, but you need me. I have to be there for you.” Phin said. “Oh ok, I guess I can understand that, but don’t let my priorities influence yours!!!” replied Addaline. My priorities are never influenced by others, unless they happen to be well… beautiful…like – well – you.
“I would never let anyone influence my priorities…” Phin said. “Unless of course dinner and prolonged conversation were both involved, and I didn’t have to pay.”
“You’re such a nerd, Phin,” Addaline replied.
“Said the nerd across the table,” Phin smirked.
“Well…what are your priorities, nerd?” she wondered
He replied, “Vines & cats.”
Impossibly, he reached out into thin air and pulled a golden vine upon which a cat—fading in and out like the famed Cheshire cat of Alice in Wonderland fame. Adeline was aghast.
Poor fluffy squirrel. He was out of acorns in his stocked pantry. He slowly walked back into his small tree house. That is, until he met the famed cat, of whom Addaline was sorely afraid.
Addaline snapped back to the present, forgetting the squirrel – what the heck had she just done. “I love squirrels…”
“What?” Phin asked.
“Yes, I heard. What do you mean?” Phinehas asked for the second time.
“SQUIRRELS, SMARTY PANTS,” snapped Adaline.
“Wha……..Ugh. Forget the squirrels. Now…. Ummm, wait what were we talking about?”
“Time is an abstract concept.” Addaline muttered. “And squirrels rule it.”
“I think we need to address the elephant in the room.” Phin said.
“Elephant?!” Addaline exclaimed.
“Fezzes are cool,” said Phinehas. “And they bite.”
“Not as cool as squirrels,” Addaline retorted. Cute baby hat pictures and squirrels make life an adventure. So cool
“But you are still ignoring the most important thing that needs to be addressed. NOW! Do you not see that large Indian elephant over there?” Phineas remarked. “It is eating a Chipotle burrito with its nose.”
Phinehas was interrupted mid-conversation by a velociraptor named Rick roaring for donuts. Rick loved donuts so much that he would eat anyone who had donuts. Apparently Phineas had a donut in his back pocket for a snack later, but now he realized that he might be the snack for the velociraptor. Phineas threw his donut to Rick, but Rick, with his tiny arms, couldn’t catch the donut and ate the elephant instead, along with the burrito that the elephant was eating. Addaline decided to offer a cupcake to Rick to make amends, but Rick, with his tiny arms, couldn’t eat the cupcake either, so he became even angrier and ate Phinehas, ending Addaline’s great wealth of dreams, hopes, and ambitions for the future—a future that now did not include her dear Phineas. She then came to the conclusion that there are more airplanes at the bottom of the sea than there are submarines in the sky. And with this knowledge she lived in peace for a while.
But suddenly she saw a giant blimp flying by. The person inside was shouting “Behold the great dino has puked Phinehas back up and he is all in one piece! I hear he is still alive!”
Addaline turned to find Phin alive and well standing before her. She rushed forward, throwing her arms around him. “Oh Phin! You’re Ok!”
“Duh…” Phin chuckled. “It’s not like I was just eaten alive by an insane dino with a love of donuts.”
“Sorry… at least I am looking out for you.” Said Addaline.
“Gee thanks.” Murmured Phin.
“Well you know what Phin, I hope the Stay Puff Man eats you next time!” Addaline sneered.
Phin turns and walks away in a huff. Wonder how she would feel if I had been eaten by a fire breathing dragon?
And then the day ended. Addaline went home and thought about her crazy day, and Phin…well. He took a shower.
As the week progressed, they avoided each other as much as possible, until in Walmart, they both found themselves looking at the newest and bestest phone ever.
“I only did this for the free piece of candy,” Addaline muttered.
Phin nodded. “I still have negative feelings towords you. But I hope you get saved lolololol”
“Well, all right then!” Addaline said. “I hope a Wizard appears and casts an irreversible spell on you that makes you unable to walk, talk, see, and gives you amnesia in the process!”
And so it came to pass that at that moment, right in the middle of said Wal-Mart, that a wise old Wizard appeared. And lo, it came to pass that the Wizard decided that her wish be granted. He said, “Huckleberry Phin! Your friend’s wish shall be granted. Because of your weird personality, I doubt she will regret making this wish, although she probably will at some point down the road. So I will make sure she pays for her rash decision as well by making sure that she never loves another man again, although I almost agree with her in-the-moment wish regarding your future, Mr. Phineas. The spell I shall cast on you will be irreversible by any entity, whether human or not, and cannot be cured, altered, or changed in any way forever.” And so it was. Addaline left the Wal-Mart and never saw either the Wizard or Phineas again. To this day Phineas is still trapped in that same Wal-Mart, unable hear the world, tell the world his predicament, or even remember in the first place that he brought this upon himself by arguing with his love interest in the middle of a Walmart in the first chapter of a fiction book.
And so Addaline moved on with her life. The days turned to weeks, and the months turned to years. About sixteen years later, she had earned a college degree from the University of Nebraska and moved back to Northern Italy, where she began working as an underwater firefighter. And, just as the Wizard said, she never loved another man again. She said that they were strange and not to be trusted.
And then one day, she realized something. Phin may never remember her – he may never speak again. See again…walk again. But she loved him…she had to. She had to return to that cursed Walmart. The Walmart that took the love of her life. So off she went to seek out the fellow that she was inexplicably drawn too, yet seemed too distant.
And in that Walmart, she saw Phin…alone and, blind, mute and lame. So she ran up to him and slapped Phinehas with a WaTErmElon . Then walked away smiling. It was the only way she could express her love. That cursed Walmart took away any normal expressions. She longed to embrace him, longed to show him that she was still there. His mind was still there, even if he couldn’t show it. He was a prisoner in the flesh. That slap showed he could still feel and that’s all she could ask for.
As Addaline exited the automatic doors, a curious idea came to her. Find the Wizard! He cast the spell, surely he would know the loopholes to bring Phinehas back. Addaline knew what she had to do and she knew exactly where to start…TARGET.
As soon as she arrived at Target she smelled Starbucks calling her name, and then when she arrived she saw her crush Phinehas. They talked nervously about nothing. Then he had been happy about new life.
“what a shame that can’t be your reality.” The image of Phinehas vanished. It was replaced by an eerie Starbucks and a looming figure sitting in the corner. The wizard sipped on a steaming coffee. Addaline wondered how he could have such a fresh latte when the place was empty, appearing abandoned for ages.
Slowly sauntering up to the dark, latte-sipping figure, Addaline narrowed her eyes. “Hmm, Starbucks…” she muttered to herself.
“EHHHH BOIIIIIII!!!!!” the wizard suddenly shouted. Addaline took a step back; startled. “Eh little girlie,” the wizard chuckled in a raspy tone, “can I offer you some Spongebob memes?” Addaline gave the strange, old man a sideways glance.
“No thanks, oldie. Spongebob memes aren’t even spicy.” With that, she walked away.
The wizard looked up from under the long brim of his hat. “Oh, young’n,” he mourned for the girl who was apparently completely unfamiliar with the world of memes, “Alas, you have not discovered that Spongebob memes are the spiciest of all.”
Addaline stopped dead in her tracks and literally died…but then rose again and turned to the wizard. “Your meme filled illusions will not work on me…the curse, how do I reverse it??”
The Wizard laughed darkly, “You really think that I would tell you just like that,” he said, “All you need to know is that there is only one way to break the curse and you are out of luck, because I, Wizard of Dark Arts, I’m the only one who knows it. Search far and wide but YOU WILL NOT FIND IT.”
“What if I challenge you…”
“Me?” The wizard sipped his coffee with a smile.
“A vine war…you and me. If I win, you tell me the secret to breaking the curse.”
“It’s Wednesday my dudes…” the wizard grinned. “Ahhhhhhhhhhh.”
“It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life!!!!! It’s WaTErmElon inside a WaTErmElon!!!!!!’ said Addaline.
“road work ahead, well yeah I sure hope it does” said the wizard.
“and they were roommates. Oh my goodness they were roommates.” Said Addaline.
“look at all those chickens!” said the wizard.
“follow @christianhomeschoolmemes on Instagram for family friendly memes!” Phinehas said to me as he handed me a Chick-Fil-A calendar.
“Oh, Phinehas, thank you. Now I can get discount meals that are both god-honoring AND delicious! Plus, I can listen to gospel music as I eat. Care to join me?” Addaline giggled. Addaline blinked in recognition that Phin was not actually there, and the Wizard was trying to manipulate her with her love. “Enough! How do you break the curse?”
“You must go where there is no time. Into a void between the all of time and space, holding the fabric of reality together. Only there can you find what you seek…only then can you save your beloved Phin.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!” she screamed, as she fell to the floor in a dead faint. Well, it looked like she was dead; she wasn’t really. The wizard rolled his eyes and groaned.
“Women,” he said, and spat. Then he grabbed her by the arms, dragged her to the threshold, and unceremoniously rolled her out. “What is her problem?”
“Nothing, every inch of me is perfect from the bottom to the top.” Addaline replied as she woke up and slapped the wizard.
“Ow,” said the wizard, “you’re not Megan Trainer. I thought I was at a concert!”
“Well you’re not…and I’m leaving now to save Phin,” She spun on her heel and walked away, determined to find the time machine and save the love of her life.
As she stepped out of the portal, she emerged into a fantastical forest. She realized the pond of water to her left was alive when it spoke to her.
“Do not save Phin it will not matter. If you do you shall die too goodbye.”
“When you die, you will also eat oranges forever without ever seeing your love.” The pond replied.
“I must save him…I love him.” Addaline pleaded.
“But you’ll die,” the pond replied. “No one ever survives time travel – it’s not safe.”
“Then that’s a price I have to pay…do you take cash?” Addaline asked.
Determined to save Phin, Addaline first dropped a pebble into the pond to see what would happen. Stillness reigned throughout the forest. Suddenly a gallant knight appeared from the fog hovering above the pond. Crashing through the brush, he appeared to be looking for someone. Upon spotting the wizard, he drew his cruel sword and charged the wizard, who was peacefully sipping his coffee. The wizard leaped to his feet and revealed his magical wand, but the knight sliced through it, forever discarding any hope of its use again. Seeing the wizard was defenseless, the knight sliced off the wizard’s head. Addaline’s last hope of saving Phin from his misery died with the wizard.
“What am I going to do now?” Addaline asked with a breath of hopelessness, franticly wondering what to do. Addaline looked around for some sign of hope that would help her figure out what to do.
Then she saw an ice cream shop and ran toward it and bought a $15 ice cream scoop and a dragon popped out of the shop and killed her. Little did the dragon know, however, it was secretly a hard light hologram! (I love Nancy Ruth! Kyle loves Bean. Simion named Judah was a new hero. This is all a bunch of lies.) Getting back to the story. The dragon, known as Gia, ended up breaking its head open on the concrete sidewalk.
The real Addaline then appeared and leapt into the pond through time, hoping to arrive in that cursed Walmart to save her love from the wizard before it was too late, knowing full well her life hung in the balance. She knew what road awaited her and Phinehas if she didn’t get there in time.
The pool tossed her out onto the Walmart parking lot. It still looked occupied. People buzzed in and out. No curse had been laid. The automatic doors zipped open, Phin walked through and her past-self giggled next to him. She was so nervous that she froze without any idea what to say or do. The girl stayed that way for 20 minutes. Then she took a deep breath and said, “Hello.”
Her past-self and Phinehas stared at her. They had no idea what was going to happen soon. How she could change everything. All she had to do was say the right words. Keep him from an eternity of suffering…keep her from a life of loss.
She spoke in a shaky voice “give me a reason to let you live!”
She shook her head…that didn’t seem right. Maybe she should try something else.
“What on earth is going on?” Phin asked. “How are you here,” he nodded to Addaline. “And there,” he nodded to past Addaline. “And splattered on the wall.”
Addaline’s eyes widened a moment and turned to see another Addaline. Oh dear….that must have ben the price the Wizard spoke of…but she had to save Phin. But Addaline did not recognize the Wizard because he was disguised as the great and famous comedian, Jimmy Fallon.
“Jimmy Fallon, is that you,” Addaline exclaimed! “I love the Tonight Show and I watch it every night! I can’t wait for your next episode of “ew.” Maybe I can be the next guest on your show!” she blinked, then turned to Phin. It was the Wizard and she was too late…the Wizard was there already, he was going to cast the spell. She couldn’t let that happen.
“Caaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrllll… that kills people.” Quoth the llama, as he questions his llama friend.
“Nothing makes me happier, than thinking about your corpse,” said Kermit in response to the whole thing. Future Addaline turned to the llama and just shook her head.
Addaline then looked to see her past self and Phin looking at the newest and most bestest phone, just as she had done. She didn’t have enough time. She ran forward, seeing her own lips part in the speech of her terrible wish and the wizard himself lurking, waiting to hear it.
“Well, all right then!” past Addaline said. “I hope a Wizard appears and casts an irreversible spell on you that makes you unable to walk, talk, see, and gives you amnesia in the process!”
Just as future Addaline reached the spot, the Wizard rose up. “Huckleberry Phin! Your friend’s wish shall be granted. Because of your weird personality, I doubt she will regret it…”
“I do!” future Addaline interrupted. “I do regret it!”
Phin and past Addaline spun around in awe of the Wizard and the return of the future Addaline – quite frankly, they didn’t believe her and figured she was some random insane person.
“What’s going on?” Phin asked as past Addaline ran off to hide.
“I regret it,” Future Addaline repeated. “Please don’t hurt him.”
“You…” the Wizard began. “You knew what was going to happen – you used the time pond.”
“My time machine?” Phin asked. “It works? Then that must mean that you’re…” he turned to Addaline.
“The spell is irreversible. And the wish has been already wished for,” the Wizard raised his glowing wand. “The curse must be cast!”
“Wait!” future Addaline pleaded. “Can’t you just not curse him? I don’t wish for it anymore.”
“But that’s just it, I’ve already begun,” he nodded to the wand. “It’s like a loaded gun, ready to fire…I can’t stop it.”
“Then…” Addaline looked down for a moment, down into the cold floor of Walmart. She turned to Phin and her past self, remembering the day she stood there, the day she made the biggest mistake. She couldn’t go back – her life had been lived, she’d helped people, she’d saved lives, and she’d fought her way back to save the one person she ever loved…and who ever loved her. She had been warned that she’d pay the price…and that was okay.
She forced a smile onto her face as she looked up and wiped a tear from her eye. “Take me.”
The wizard gave her a strange look. “What?”
“You can’t do that…” Phin spoke up. “I don’t know what is going on, but you can’t do that…you can’t,” his voice fell to a whisper. “Addaline.”
She turned to him and smiled as the wizard pointed his wand at her. “It’s okay…I’ll still be with you. Please, be patient with me. I’ll come around eventually – and I will love you, with all my…” her voice was cut off as the curse was cast and she collapsed to the ground, her legs no longer able to bear her.
“Addaline!” Phin dropped to her side, cradling her in his arms. “Please…”
Addaline placed her hand on his cheek as her vision faded. “I lov…” her voice faded as did her memory of the words she was going to say. All memory faded into emptiness. But something made her smile – something she could not explain. Something that told her that it was all going to be okay.
She was right. In the end, it all was okay. The Wizard returned to target and was never seen again, having realized that the power of magic was far more than he could control. Phin found Addaline hiding in the far end of Walmart and he brought her home. Over the next few years he took things slow, allowing time to bring them closer, rather than forcing it, and eventually, she came around. The two married, they had a family together, lived together, and grew old together.
Now no other line can be added but this belief I hold firmly true:
They lived happily ever after.
I want to thank everyone who added to this story. It was a pleasure meeting all of you!
C. D. Hulen